August 22nd, 2002


Still Number One

I hope no one will ever top the Weird-Ass New Age Freak for long term annoyance. We were already getting tired of one housemate when she announced that her "Spiritual Teacher" was going through a tough time and needed to stay for a night. I don’t even remember what he looked like, so maybe it was just his neurotic aura that gave us all goose-pimply dislike at first sight. He hung out in common space, the "night" turning into a week in which HE NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE. (Obviously, based on my experience, not leaving the house is a very bad sign for a houseguest).

He, in fact, lurked. He waited until others came home to meditate in the living room and babble on the phone to his other "students". He actually would follow us around the house while he talked on his cell phone giving "spiritual" advice to other losers. I put spiritual in quotes because he would just flippantly tell people what to do then add a new age justification. For example, "You should move out of your house and back in with your ex. I’m sensing that your energies are ready to work together now."

I swear, that he REALLY said, in all sincerity, that he was raised by wolves in another life.

So after staying for a week, taking up way too much space and eating lots of our common food, he started to sense the negative vibes we were giving off. Of course, we’d been giving them off since day one, proving he wasn’t the most spiritually aware "teacher" in the world. To make peace he decided to cook for all of us. Unfortunately, he didn’t buy any food, he simply waited for the weekly big house shop to be done and somehow managed to cook every piece of food and dirty almost every dish while making an inedible concoction in the blender of EVRYTHING the shopper bought. As we took tastes and put down our bowls in disgust he kept sniffing the pot loudly, screaming, "Don’t you like it? It’s so GRREEEEEEEEEN!" He was gone the next day.

And our housemate was gone soon after that. I haven’t seen her since, though I did hear her one night. In the midst of a sweet little tryst with a friend in another part of town , I heard my ex-housemate’s distinctive laugh come from the next room. Yes, while I was sleeping with one member of that household, she was sleeping with another. I can’t tell you how unsexy that was. I just kept thinking "GRREEEEEEEEEN!, GRREEEEEEEEEN!"

It’s a very small city sometimes.
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